Monday, September 19, 2011

How to Win a Janken Tournament: Lessons from the First Janken Taikai

After an invasion by zombies, the overlords decide to let one human live and escape. To choose who this will be, they declare a janken tournament. How do you assure your victory?

Okay, I'll stop writing crappy fiction, but AKB's second janken tournament is a few short days away, and I thought I would educate them with lessons from the first one. Of course, you can never tell when this info might be crucial for your survival someday, so read up.

1. Always play rock. Always.

Statistics show that most people will not play paper compared with rock or scissors. (Note: statistics totally made up.) 

Think about it. You're about to cast your hand... from a fist... what is the least easiest to convert it as? You play rock, you don't need to do a thing. You play scissors, you just move two fingers. But play paper? You need to move all five fingers! That's more than twice that of scissors! And who wants to go through that much trouble! No one will cast a hand of paper to beat you, the best most will do is draw, until they get sick of the deadlock and decide to raise their middle finger two fingers to play scissors.

In the first janken tournament, it was Ami Maeda who used this strategy. After disposing of Oya Shizuka and Nito Moeno by strictly playing rock, she cruised to Senbatsu to face some other girl also named Maeda.

If a strategy works against Maeda Atsuko, then that's all the proof you need right there.

Acchan: "I told you backstage to play paper! Someone will be punished for their insolence!"

No, seriously, what Acchan was thinking of was...

Acchan: "Why am I still in this thing?! Aki-P promised I would get a break 'cause of this whole thing! Somebody beat me already! Must... get... sleep..."

Of course, if you're going to face the one who will ultimately win the whole thing and beat you in the process, then don't follow this strategy. (Totally useful piece of advice, huh.)

Ucchi: "So, you've been reading that crappy blog huh?"

Ami: "What?! But that blog promised me... I'll get that Silver Rain..."

After losing the chance at the top position, Ami decides to shift gears against Aki Takajo, and guess what Aki plays...

If Ami stuck with the game plan, she would have beat Akicha. See?!

Ami: "Would you stop playing scissors!"

Aamin would beat Aki anyway as Akicha changed gears when she didn't, and Ami would go back to the original plan in her last match against Suuchan.

What can I say. Rock rules.

2. Learn mind control.

It was Haruka Nakagawa who applied this technique for a fourth place finish in the first tournament.

vs. Yonechan

Harugon: "You will play paper."

vs. Rie

"Muahaha. My next victim."

vs. Krisu

"You will play paper."

vs. Akicha

Haurgon: "You will obey me."


Of course, for the strategy to work, your opponent must have a mind, as Harugon failed to foresee as she faced Haruna Kojima.

Harugon: "Uh-oh. Crap. I forgot about this one."

Harugon: "Can't... find... what I must... control..."

Kojiharu: "I wonder what other shoes match this dress."

(I'm kidding, I love Kojima.)

3. Pray

It was no less than the winner of the whole shebang, Mayumi Uchida who used this strategy.

vs. Myao

vs. Lovetan

Aika: "Whacha doin'?"

vs. Ami

Ucchi: "Something tells me not to cast scissors."

vs. Harugon

Harugon: "You will play paper!"

Ucchi: "Must... resist.... Harugon..."

God trumps everything.

Finals, before the match, vs. Harukyan

and after the match...

Pray, it still works!